Desire Codes began with a nine month study by Nonfiction Research. We interviewed Americans from all walks of life, experts in the field of human sexuality and quantified our findings with a nationally representative survey. This research is what produced the Desire Codes, but along the way we learned some interesting things about sexuality today.
I. Americans want Sex to take them to Many Different places
Sex. Three letters that hide millions of different experiences. We each come to sex with our own stories, cultural expectations, histories, fears, and desires. For some, sex is the deepest expression of love; for others it’s a game of tennis. For some it’s a stress release valve, and still others are chasing god.
Sex is a portal to many different places, but rarely are we taught to ask: Where do you want to go?
In this research, we asked Americans, “What do you typically want from a sexual experience?” What we heard just scratches the surface on how wildly different our expectations for “good sex” can be.
What Americans Say They Want
(or don’t want) May Surprise you
II. Feeling “not on the same page” As Your partner is the norm, not the exception
With the diversity of experiences and expectations we bring to sex, it’s no surprise that a majority of Americans have experienced times at which they feel misunderstood, unseen, or unsatisfied in their desires. 73% of Americans have felt “not on the same page” as their partner and 87% of those have felt that way about a partner they were in a committed relationship with. This experience is the norm — and not just for hookups or one-night stands.
And yet, the fact that a problem is exceptionally common doesn’t make it any less frustrating or painful when it’s happening to you.
“I never learned how to talk about or express my sexual desires. I still have a lot of pent-up desires and fears that makes sexual expression quite challenging even though I’m 40.”
“The last person I was with did not understand the assignment. It was very disappointing. I don’t like adding to my bodycount, but that’s just where we are. ”
73% of Americans have felt “not on the same page” with their partner about what interested them sexually.
87% of those Americans felt this way with a partner they were in a committed relationship with.
148,533,426 Americans feel This about a partner they are committed to right now.
III. AMERICANS Are LEARNing more FROM the INTERNET THAn IRL PARTNERS
Our research found most Americans want to be better lovers. 90% of Americans have done something to become better partners — this was especially true of gay men, gay women and straight men.
The problem is that almost half of Americans have never directly asked a current or former partner what they liked, instead often relying on porn or private internet searches for answers.
This overreliance on internet advice — and more specifically porn — for education on sex, desire, and pleasure is undoubtedly skewing our perceptions of each other and curbing our ability to learn and communicate with our IRL partners.
Half of Americans have never directly asked a current or former partner what they liked.
how do Americans learn to be better sexual partners?
Directly asked partners what they like - 51%
Watched/read porn - 49%
Privately searched the internet - 42%
Read books - 31%
Questioned friends or family - 21%
Chatted with strangers on the internet about sex - 17%
Gone to a sex therapist or coach - 7%
Gone to a sex worker - 4%
IV. DEsire Codes is a tool to make decoding desire easier & more fun
Few of us know how to give language to our desires. While kink lists, technique instructionals, and “yes, no, maybe” lists are wonderful tools, they often fail to capture the wider breadth of dynamics, feelings, and experiences people seek through sex.
Desire Codes emerged from a 9-month research study that sought to understand and define what Americans want from sex.
Desire Codes isn't just a research study, it’s a tool to help you decode what you and your partner really desire — and a guide to learn how to take each other to those places.
The codes were created from the turn-ons, fantasies, and sexual preferences of thousands of Americans. Some of them may be very familiar to you; others will be totally new. As of this launch, we have defined 31 codes, but we consider this list ever-evolving and expanding. Each code comes with a playbook of ideas to try and stories from real people.
No real human being can ever be reduced to a simple archetype, so take all of these codes as the beginning of a conversation — not the end. Everyone will have their unique preferences, contradictions, and quirks. But, we hope this guide will make the conversations around sex easier and more fun.
“I feel like Americans are just beginning to explore sex without it being so taboo and ‘shameful.’ I’m glad to see flexible definitions popping up and slowly developing with people’s answers.”